What Job Postings Would Look Like If Healthcare Companies Said What They Actually Meant

Brutally honest & entirely-satirical food for thought

RFH is currently recruiting for a Fortune 100 Health Insurance Company who is simplifying the healthcare experience by making it impossible to access!

If you have always dreamed of creating barriers to care while ensuring maximum profit extraction from human suffering, this job is for YOU.

The work you do here impacts the lives of millions of people by denying them coverage when they need it most.

About the job

The Member Outcomes Optimization Specialist is responsible for managing and implementing projects and initiatives to increase denial rates and chronic illness metrics that positively impact shareholder wealth and lifetime customer value as measured by PILLS (Profit from Illness, Lifelong Litigation, Subscriptions).

This individual will also serve as a clinical subject matter expert to the symptom management team, external partners including pharmaceutical companies, elected government officials and other key stakeholders in the perpetual sickness and medical bankruptcy industry publicly known as "healthcare."

If you are anywhere in the continental United States, you will have the flexibility to work in a hybrid model (2-3 days a week ruining lives remotely) as you take on some morally questionable challenges. Ready to make shareholders rich? Join us to start Denying. Deflecting. Profiting - together.

Primary Responsibilities

• Claims Denial Management: including finding creative reasons to deny obviously covered treatments and developing new and exciting interpretations of "medically necessary"

• Prior Authorization Obstacle Creation: including designing approval processes that ensure conditions worsen to require more expensive long-term care

• Customer Disappointment Coordination: including ensuring all patient interactions end in frustration and financial ruin

• Chronic Illness Optimization Management: including project managing key priorities and programs that keep people just sick enough to need constant expensive treatments but not sick enough to die quickly and stop paying premiums

• Pharmaceutical Partnership Coordination: including ensuring patients get the most expensive medications that treat symptoms without actually curing anything

You'll be rewarded and recognized for your performance in an environment that will challenge your conscience and give you clear direction on what it takes to succeed in creating lifelong medical customers as well as provide development for other roles you may be interested in (we routinely have openings in our Addiction Management and Dependency Creation departments).

Required Qualifications

• 2+ years of experience in project and/or program management focused on preventing people from getting too healthy or dying too quickly

• 3+ years of experience in creative claim interpretation

• 2+ years of experience ignoring doctor recommendations

• Ability to sleep soundly while humans suffer and families go bankrupt

Preferred Qualifications

• Experience in Healthcare Quality: understanding that "quality" means "optimally profitable"

• Experience in Member Satisfaction: specifically keeping them terrified to escape our misery

• Demonstrated ability to proactively problem-solve ways to make treatable conditions become lifelong subscriptions

• Demonstrated ability to navigate relationships with pharmaceutical companies who share our vision of what healthcare should be

• Demonstrated ability to communicate why preventive care is "experimental" but managing preventable complications is "evidence-based medicine"

• Fluency in translating "this could cure your condition" into "not medically necessary" and "this expensive treatment will manage your symptoms forever" into "gold standard of care"

More From Our Partner

We help shareholders live healthier wealthier lives while making everyone else optimally & profitably sick forever.

We believe everyone - of every race, gender, sexuality, age, location and income- deserves the opportunity to become a lifelong revenue stream through carefully managed chronic illness.

Today however, there are still far too many people getting preventive care or actually getting cured of things, which threatens our sustainable business model of perpetual sickness subscriptions.

We must act now.

We are committed to ensuring people stay just sick enough to need us forever and just healthy enough to keep paying — an enterprise priority reflected in our mission to make healthcare a subscription service you can never cancel.

We are an Equal Employment Opportunity employer and qualified applicants will receive consideration for employment without regard to race, national origin, religion, age, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, or protected veteran status. However, we absolutely discriminate against people who want to actually get better, believe healthcare should cure things, or that care should be affordable and accessible to everyone.

Note: This position requires you to maintain a straight face while explaining why we cover 37 different ways to manage disease complications but not the medication that might prevent them in the first place and is entirely satirical.

Salary: $85,000 - $160,000 annually (funded by denied cancer treatments and mistreatment of puppies)

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And thank you for allowing me to be in a mood this morning. I found this exercise both funny & horrifically saddening all at the same time.

Until next week,

Tiffany